Revelations

I woke up at 4:30am after I had a strange dream this morning.
Someone came to me an asked me if I wanted to know a secret about my partner. (Meg)
I hesitated and after a few seconds and replied no.
The person offering me the secret then went up in smoke and I suddenly woke up.
I opened my eyes to see it was still dark out.
Meg was sleeping beside me radiating heat onto my cold body.
Her warmth welcomed me.
I realized that in my lucid dream I finally had the gusto to say no and not follow that negative train of thought down a wormhole.
The person that came to me in that dream wasn’t a stranger it was my own insecurity.
It felt like a small victory against all of the overthinking I’ve done in the past two years.
Mainly over my career and other things as I don’t ever have to questions Meg’s love for me or mine for her.

I got up after my dream and sat with these thoughts on the roof for a little bit to let them sink in.

Overthinking, over planning is a form of insecurity and at some point, you have to tell yourself to shut up.
You have to say no to your brain and tell it you are going to get things done whether people like them or not.

Once you are done with your goals then you can critique them and if it didn’t come out how you wanted it on the first go then do it again.

Don’t let insecurity stop you in your pursuit of happiness.


The solution to all of your problems.

I’m always excited for Mondays with or without this quarantine.
Especially because I love my work I love planning new things and I like overcoming the challenges of working with a budget.
Yeah it’d be easier to work with no budget and to have millions of dollars to throw at a project but guess what that isn’t my reality.
Restrictions always humble me because you either make do with what you don’t have or you don’t do it at all and people who let restrictions stop them have nothing to show for it.
Don’t wait for something to be perfect for you to get it done.
I had a teacher in college who I couldn’t stand me and we butted heads every single day.
But he had a phrase, “There is always a solution.”
We still may disagree and we may be cut from a different cloth but boy do I respect that guy for his principles.

There is always a solution if you want to get something done and you’re willing to put 100% into it do it.
Does’t matter if you want to run a mile and it takes you 30 minutes if that is your best effort than get it done.
If you want to make a vlog on your life but you have a crappy camera get it done anyways.
If you freelance and want an intern but can’t afford one find a way to give them an equal amount of value.

There is always a solution!

Corona Blog #6

I’ve been grappling with the idea of taking portraits of people on the streets for a few weeks now.
For many reasons (can I keep a safe distance, will people reject the idea, what if I can’t get the lighting right or have an assistant help me?) and every single one of those reasons came down to one thing. That thing is me caring what other people think of me. I was afraid of judgment which reminded me why I take photos in the first place and that is my relationship with death. It sounds weird but from my earliest memories, I’ve only seen or heard about my father through pictures. So my version of storytelling and my understanding of death have been tied to together in tangible forms of creations. I see photography as a way to pass on the story of a time, to express your creative vision, and ultimately a way to be more present in life before we die. We are all drawn to mark-making as a form of saying “hey I was here I did this I saw this”. It gives us a feeling of being real and being able to be remembered one way or another.
So for me to then go out and stop people on the streets to take their portrait was a no brainer and a worthy cause to make marks not of myself but of other people that exist at this time as well.

This brings me to my next point.
Why do any of us struggle to take action on things we want to do and know our soul is calling us to do these things.
#1 which I’d like to say isn’t true for me but it is. Fear of judgment.
#2 is we put things way too far ahead of us. The difference between a beginner and an expert is huge but the difference between a novice and an expert is much smaller.
Don’t avoid doing something because you’re not an expert you’re much more suited to be able to teach everyday people something in your field as a novice because beginners can relate to you more than they can relate to an expert.

#3 Here is the best way for myself when I want to take action.
Give yourself a consequence if you don’t get your goal done in a week and tell someone you trust to enforce it if you don’t do it.

For example, if I didn’t get these photos done I told my girlfriend that she would have to post the most embarrassing photo of me on my Instagram. (It was a horrendous photo of me naked)

Yeah, no one wants to see that and I definitely don’t want to get kicked off Instagram.

So I finally after weeks I went out and shot these photos I had been wanting to take.

Yes, people denied me one after the other but at the end of 2 hours I had 14 portraits and with each rejection, I fine-tuned my pitch and people seemed more and more accepting of my request.

Nothing I’ve experienced in life is better than the high of entering an uncomfortable situation and rising to the occasion. If you have something you want to do, don’t let it pass you by because as we can all see days are seemingly melting away.

All the best,
Atticus

Virus Blog #5

Quarantine continues and I’ve been so lucky to be able to spend it with such an amazing person.
If you don’t know Meg she’s an absolute badass, 120% my kind of people and we’ve been making the best out of the quarantine together. Also, she’s the love of my life if you didn’t know. We were both sick very early on during this and it put us out for some time but we’re back at it. Meg is a nurse at NYU her floor which is typically orthopedic post-op has been converted into a COVID_19 positive floor treating the sick during these trying times. She is also the lead nurse at Restore Hyper wellness which I had the pleasure of visiting this week to get my first vitamin IV which Meg gave to me. It was absolutely amazing and if you’re interested in living a healthier life please check them out and use promo code Atticus … jk jk idt they have promo codes. I’ll link their website here because if money was no option I would be at this place twice a month taking care of myself much like a barber visit but I’m bald so I shave my own head and I’m poor so I have to take care of my own health.
As my buddy, Gavin put it “couldn't I just “mainline” airborne because I can’t afford a Vitamin C IV”.
Pure genius we’ve beaten the system. (Don’t do that)

Back to my story.

I go to Meg’s work to get my amazing IV and these pressure bags on my legs and then I go to take the subway home…

2 hours and 20 minutes later I’m back in Brooklyn from FUCKING MIDTOWN. (normally 40 minutes tops)

The trains are running and I know non-essential people shouldn’t be working but please tell me why we’ve throttled down train service to the point that subway cars are still filling up with people?
Wouldn’t a little more regularity decreased the amount of close contact with strangers?

Which brings me to my next point.
The city now more than ever is left with homeless people and addicts.
No shade to them I understand they live here too but holy shit you do not want to be seen outside after 7 pm and this varies depending on which neighborhood you’re in.

Mine, unfortunately, is Bushwick and not L train Bushwick but J-train Bushwick where people are peddling half-ass masks like hotcakes and the crack heads still shit on the sidewalks.

My local Bodega sees only a few regulars amongst the panhandler in front of the store.
I can imagine that my daily chop cheese is keeping them afloat.
My roommate hasn’t been back in a month and I cannot tell you how excited I am for things to get back to normal.

Until then I am going to start documenting this strange part of history more regularly as well as continuing my gratitude for my health and for being able to spend this time with someone I deeply appreciate and love.

I hope you all are spending this time with loved ones.

All the best,
Atticus

Corona Virus Blog #4

It's taken me some time to accept this new way of life. To sit inside every day, to feel like we're waiting on something. I'm used to freelance life and this transition has to be easier for me than for most because I am used to the isolation. It hasn't been nice being sick for weeks. Luckily I can feel my body rebounding and the energy surging back. I've finally been able to go out and walk, and even to take a few photos yesterday as well as today. Which in itself fills me with great joy. I've kept a safe distance bringing a zoom lens with me for closer photos and I plan on dedicating the rest of my week to photograph this time in our lives. What I want to talk about today is accepting this. I for weeks have been fighting the reality of living in a box and finally, I don't feel so confined because I can't stop thinking about the possibilities of what I can do from my room. People have compared this to the plague, the great depression etc. etc. Bull shit. We have netflix, computers, E-books, AMAZON. For one second imagine being Anne Frank. Yeah, fuck that. This for many is time with family, time to build that business you've always dreamt of, time to exercise, time to rest. When in our lifetimes has the world said okay you can use this day's as you'd wish? Although we can't all spend them outside, we can use them for good. With that here are some more images of New York and hopefully this weekend I will be feeling well enough to set up a backdrop and keep myself at a safe distance to photograph more of the reality we now live in.

My first photo journal.

This is something I never imagined I’d share.
So please bear with me if some of this doesn’t make sense is ridiculous or corny lol.
I believe in candor and this process of making my first photo journal really helped me in my work and with curating.
I hope some of you make one of these and have the memories in physical form to look back on.

Corona Virus Blog #3

I walked home a bit the other day from my girlfriends apartment to my own.
Just about 2 miles.
I kept a safe distance from people but I wanted to photograph briefly what I was seeing.
Today I’ll just leave these images as I don’t think words would do them a service.

Adapt and focus.

I let the first 15 days of this quarantine kick my ass.
I was sick, sluggish and really felt like this was the worlds most boring vacation.
Now that I’m feeling healthy so much better it’s time to punch the time clock.
I’m a firm believer in the 10,000 rule with anything.
If you want to be a photographer you’ve got to punch that god damn time clock and you have to adapt to change.
You’ve got to be shooting 9-5 and working on the business side of things once you get home.
I’ve had two weeks off of that and I much prefer the nonstop grind of making work.

With that I see this time as nothing more than an opportunity to build something you didn’t have the time to before.
I’m in the process of reworking my photography business into something much bigger that gives back to the other creatives in the NYC community.
If you are trying to learn anything this is a beautiful time to focus solely on that.
I think we’d all be surprised in what we can build in a week.

If you have any goals over the next week comment them down below I’d love to hear what people are going to get done and hopefully I can check in with you and see your progress.

Corona Blog 2

Easily the strangest thing I’ve experienced in the city after 6 years here.
I’ve never seen it so empty and so quiet.
Hopefully in the next few days I will be able to document this more.
For now here are some photos from earlier this week when the city was a bit busier.

COVID:19

I fell ill when I woke up last Thursday in London. I went to bed with a dry scratchy throat and woke up with a splitting headache and a sore back.
The back pain was most alarming it felt like I had fluid in my lungs but I was set to fly out Friday from Heathrow to head back to New York.
I heard just heard the news of the travel ban and was worried about getting stuck in London so I was not going to stay in London due to fear of spreading and or catching anything.
On Friday my symptoms were worse and my nose started to run profusely on the plane.
I was achy and woke up that morning freezing cold and sweating.
I got home 10pm Friday night EST to the height of my sickness while Meg was out for her birthday.
Saturday was just as bad but I had no fever.
Meg was still healthy and we stayed away from each other.
After a long weekend out Meg started to feel ill on Sunday this was the first day my back pain completely subsided.
On Sunday night with, Meg having the exact same symptoms we decided to quarantine to ourselves together at my place.
We’ve been locked up in my place since then only leaving twice for food (we tried to have it delivered but that would have taken a week since the wait is so long)

Meg’s symptoms were much more persistent than mine they lasted much longer.
To me, it felt like every day brought about a new symptom as the last one faded and the only constant was a pounding headache.
It didn’t feel much different than the normal flu.

To sum this up we’re not sure if we have the coronavirus although with my European travel, us living in NYC, and having so many of the symptoms it’s more than likely that we both do.
Meg also called a hospital to get a test and they did not want anyone coming in with the symptoms unless it persists into pneumonia, plus I don’t have health insurance.

It is strange to see this place as a ghost town and to feel my ears not perpetrated by the sounds of the city.

Hopefully, with a bit more quarantine we’ll be able to pass the contagious stage and see some family soon.
Until then we’ll be focusing on getting back into a productive routine as our energy gets backs to us.



Make better choices.

Why is it that some people make good decisions consistently while others seem to make them in cycles of good and bad? For example, I tend to drink like a fish during hard times. It's a cheap fix that only temporarily drowns out the problem. Lately, I've been doing it because of the little time I've had to myself after work and because I couldn't stand someone that I had to deal with at work every day. Re-read that last line how stupid does that sound. Why would anyone poison themselves as an escape to a problem? This is where my aha moment happened. To carry the misery of someone else home and to punish yourself for it is a surefire way to hate your job and to ultimately hate yourself. I've already done enough of that because I blamed my lack of success in photography on my lack of skills which is bullshit. All of this negativity is finally starting to change because I finally understand that it takes many good decisions made daily to be successful and happy in your own life. Yeah, I know painfully obvious but when your in the heat of something shitty it's easy to make bad decisions on how to handle it. That's why good decisions are difficult to make, there is always an easier and worse decision sitting right next to the good one. Think about it if you have two choices, fun with friends, or exercise and getting ahead in your work? Salad or a beer? I always find myself at the end of the deli line trying to justify that sandwich I'm about to buy. My head says you know you need a salad but come on you're so hungry, you haven't eaten all day, you gotta live a little. Or I know I shouldn't drink but I had such a bad day at work. Same with working out while I'm traveling it never fucking happens. Why the fuck not? I have always felt like shit after these moments and it makes so much sense to me. Bad reactions to shit situations bring your face right down into the shit. Being proactive though rises you above the shit and when with each good decision you build momentum. Unfortunately with good decisions, we face more resistance than we face with bad decisions. What I've learned from all this is that I need a better work-life balance and that I cannot let unfavorable situations destroy the proactivity in my life. The way I’m taking action on this is by making a list in my journal every day of everything I eat, any exercise I do daily, and other good and or bad decisions I have made throughout the day. The intent is to become conscious of my actions and their triggers in hopes of recognizing those causes so that I can prevent undesired actions.

Why not make good decisions today? What will you gain from this decision? What will you ultimately lose from the bad choices?

On a plane to London.

I’m on a plane to London. Virgin Atlantic and I’m ecstatic. It’s turbulent as hell but after talking to Chris Catania today who works at Pratt and Whitney he has assured me that no plane has ever crashed due to turbulence only malfunction. I’m blown away by the service of this plane as well as the airport. Upon arrival, I had a smooth drop off and the dog in the TSA line had to sniff me twice because of an Asian woman about my age pet the dog so he didn’t get a chance to sniff me. I farted in his face for sniffing me twice. I boarded very quickly and once on the plane I sat alone in my row of seats. Seat 68c. An elderly couple approached a bit later. The wife in the couple aggressively smashed aside all other bags in the above storage compartment and under her breath murmured some bullshit. From here the plane took off reached altitude and that women were sitting just to my left in the middle of three seats. Once she had her seat she was kind and courteous...so I thought. The young man in front of her leaned his seat back a little and she was again outraged. She immediately exclaimed “How will I eat? How will I put down my tray with this man in my lap?” and she began pushing his headrest for the better of a half of an hour. Finally, the young man said please stop pushing my seat or I will get the flight attendant. At this point, it seemed that nothing could make this woman happy yet here I am a pig in shit sipping on my free ginger ale 30,000 thousand feet in the air watching a documentary on children who survived the holocaust. I am elated and better yet entertained by how miserable the women on my left is. In the next ten minutes we got our food and little did I know I was in for the biggest surprise yet. We hit turbulence, chu my cheese bounce house-sized turbulence mid-dinner. It was making my neck shvitz. The pilot asked the cabin crew to take their seats multiple times and who in this entire plane is the only one amused by this......it was the old British she-devil herself on the left of me. She was cackling and ended up dropping her glass of wine. It was hilarious I damn near couldn’t breathe out of pure enjoyment. Who knew someone so angry at the world could get so happy over a bumpy ride. Now back to my holocaust movie there was a woman taken from Germany on a train to England to stay in a refugee camp for children. Her parents had to stay in Germany and of all the children playing and having fun at this camp she couldn’t shake the pain of missing her parents. So this badass little 10-year-old girl decided that she would knock doors like a fucking dish network salesman and ask for people to sponsor her parents so they could come to England and leave Germany. It really puts success and goals and life and love into perspective hearing that. Imagine trying to save your parents from certain death. I’m sure there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do to save them. Now imagine applying that to your life today. How fucking bad do you want to make your dreams come true? I can assure you and myself it is nowhere near as bad as that little girl trying to save her parents from a concentration camp. Fucking aye this documentary has tugged at my heart and put so much into perspective. Now I’m off to start a new job in fucking England and I feel great just to be breathing.

Don't let your attitude make a bad situation worse.

Today is jam-packed.
I started this morning off at Renzo Gracie Academy on the west side of midtown to film some MMA (mixed martial arts) sparring. Now I’m on lunch and then off to my second photoshoot for the day.
I’ve been having some really profound realizations in my life lately because things have been really difficult.
I’ve been waiting to start a new job for over a month and change now. I was supposed to start on the second of January so I let a bunch of my assisting jobs go and then this job got delayed which killed me money wise.
What it did do though was give me more time to focus on my own work.
I had a good 2 weeks where I was miserable waiting and then I realized “Fuck that I don’t wait for anyone.” and I started making things and this sent my spirits through the roof.
I also realized…and this one’s embarrassing, that bad choices only make bad situations worse.
I know I know this is obvious but in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to get sucked into feeling angry especially when you have good intentions and have been working hard for years to grow consistently in your craft. It gets very frustrating to still be struggling but this has made my stomach practically made of steel when it comes to uncertainty. With all this struggle there are good characteristics being forged daily and the same diligence I have put into working on my craft is now being put into my character.
Now I am aware more than ever that you have to put your own oxygen mask first.

Make in positivity

Over the past year and a half I’ve had more ups and downs then I can’t count. I would say mainly downs but that is such a false perception of all that I have accomplished. I’ve been trying to find a way to navigate the lows so that I am not absolutely crushed every time a deal falls through or when that paycheck I was counting on from the photographer I was assisting comes 5 months late. Finally, I am understanding that the thoughts that flood to your head when something goes wrong do not mean that you are in the belly of the freelance roller coaster. It does not mean that you suck. Your brain when you’re doing goodwill lie straight to your face and tell you that your shit doesn’t stink and when you aren’t doing so great it will tell you that you are worthless. The key for me has been learning to separate my being from my thoughts and it has allowed me to take more action in my life. It hasn’t easy because I have always created out of self-deprecation. Whenever I would look at my work and hate it I would be fueled to make more work and to get it right. Now my goals are to do that in a healthy way by trying new things in my practice and if they don’t come out right I am not going to belittle myself into correcting them I am going to treat myself by doing it again. It really is a privilege to be able to shoot for a living and although it’s been a tough road I know with discipline it gets better.

Diligence

It’s really easy to forget how far you’ve come when things get difficult.
I hopped on to facebook today and saw a memory from 7 years ago which was the week I purchased my first camera. I didn’t know how to use it, didn’t know how to edit the images, but those first 6 months it never left my side.
Flash forward 6 years and I’m stunned I had the audacity to continue shooting looking back at these images but I don’t think the quality of these images matters.
What matters are the memories and that I started.
Often starting is the biggest barrier to entry.
We build up how difficult something is going to be and we let it stop us from ever trying.
Fuck that.
There is nothing more beautiful than being a beginner and looking back at this time I’m envious of the novice that first picked up that camera.
I became obsessed with the dance of photographing people.
That process is what led to my diligence and longing to take pictures every day.
Time is unbelievably kind to someone who persists in something consistently.
If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would get into photography as a career I would have laughed at you.
I always thought I’d be in marketing wearing a suit every day but once I picked up my camera I quickly drifted from the classroom and fell in love with the speed in which I could learn new things on my own.

Whatever you love, do it consistently and over time you will grow massively.

Time

A big goal of mine each day is to find my center. To make decisions based on principles I hold close to my heart rather than by the approval of my friends, family, career, or social status. I am experimenting now and in the process learning more than ever. This new process is bringing excitement back into my life rather than relying on external forms of fun like travel, or partying. Looking back a lot of those blanket fixes to boredom were just waisted time. I don’t want to go through life without being the best version of myself so this year I’m getting back to what makes me happiest, creating from a place of intention.

Whatever you do make sure you’re excited to tackle it today and tomorrow and the next day.
There’s no regret quite like wasted time.

Lucky to see.

I watched a lady, newly blind learn to walk yesterday. In my misery, I felt my heartbreak and then I imagined her feelings. She was young, guided by an educator and a white stick with the red end to it. The beauty at that moment was palpable like a heartbeat. She was still alive and learning to get outside on her own again. That big of a learning curve although tragic to an optimist must be exciting and for a second I realized just how lucky I am to be of sound body and mind. How did I get so lucky?