I walked home a bit the other day from my girlfriends apartment to my own.
Just about 2 miles.
I kept a safe distance from people but I wanted to photograph briefly what I was seeing.
Today I’ll just leave these images as I don’t think words would do them a service.
I let the first 15 days of this quarantine kick my ass.
I was sick, sluggish and really felt like this was the worlds most boring vacation.
Now that I’m feeling healthy so much better it’s time to punch the time clock.
I’m a firm believer in the 10,000 rule with anything.
If you want to be a photographer you’ve got to punch that god damn time clock and you have to adapt to change.
You’ve got to be shooting 9-5 and working on the business side of things once you get home.
I’ve had two weeks off of that and I much prefer the nonstop grind of making work.
With that I see this time as nothing more than an opportunity to build something you didn’t have the time to before.
I’m in the process of reworking my photography business into something much bigger that gives back to the other creatives in the NYC community.
If you are trying to learn anything this is a beautiful time to focus solely on that.
I think we’d all be surprised in what we can build in a week.
If you have any goals over the next week comment them down below I’d love to hear what people are going to get done and hopefully I can check in with you and see your progress.
Easily the strangest thing I’ve experienced in the city after 6 years here.
I’ve never seen it so empty and so quiet.
Hopefully in the next few days I will be able to document this more.
For now here are some photos from earlier this week when the city was a bit busier.
I fell ill when I woke up last Thursday in London. I went to bed with a dry scratchy throat and woke up with a splitting headache and a sore back.
The back pain was most alarming it felt like I had fluid in my lungs but I was set to fly out Friday from Heathrow to head back to New York.
I heard just heard the news of the travel ban and was worried about getting stuck in London so I was not going to stay in London due to fear of spreading and or catching anything.
On Friday my symptoms were worse and my nose started to run profusely on the plane.
I was achy and woke up that morning freezing cold and sweating.
I got home 10pm Friday night EST to the height of my sickness while Meg was out for her birthday.
Saturday was just as bad but I had no fever.
Meg was still healthy and we stayed away from each other.
After a long weekend out Meg started to feel ill on Sunday this was the first day my back pain completely subsided.
On Sunday night with, Meg having the exact same symptoms we decided to quarantine to ourselves together at my place.
We’ve been locked up in my place since then only leaving twice for food (we tried to have it delivered but that would have taken a week since the wait is so long)
Meg’s symptoms were much more persistent than mine they lasted much longer.
To me, it felt like every day brought about a new symptom as the last one faded and the only constant was a pounding headache.
It didn’t feel much different than the normal flu.
To sum this up we’re not sure if we have the coronavirus although with my European travel, us living in NYC, and having so many of the symptoms it’s more than likely that we both do.
Meg also called a hospital to get a test and they did not want anyone coming in with the symptoms unless it persists into pneumonia, plus I don’t have health insurance.
It is strange to see this place as a ghost town and to feel my ears not perpetrated by the sounds of the city.
Hopefully, with a bit more quarantine we’ll be able to pass the contagious stage and see some family soon.
Until then we’ll be focusing on getting back into a productive routine as our energy gets backs to us.
Why is it that some people make good decisions consistently while others seem to make them in cycles of good and bad? For example, I tend to drink like a fish during hard times. It's a cheap fix that only temporarily drowns out the problem. Lately, I've been doing it because of the little time I've had to myself after work and because I couldn't stand someone that I had to deal with at work every day. Re-read that last line how stupid does that sound. Why would anyone poison themselves as an escape to a problem? This is where my aha moment happened. To carry the misery of someone else home and to punish yourself for it is a surefire way to hate your job and to ultimately hate yourself. I've already done enough of that because I blamed my lack of success in photography on my lack of skills which is bullshit. All of this negativity is finally starting to change because I finally understand that it takes many good decisions made daily to be successful and happy in your own life. Yeah, I know painfully obvious but when your in the heat of something shitty it's easy to make bad decisions on how to handle it. That's why good decisions are difficult to make, there is always an easier and worse decision sitting right next to the good one. Think about it if you have two choices, fun with friends, or exercise and getting ahead in your work? Salad or a beer? I always find myself at the end of the deli line trying to justify that sandwich I'm about to buy. My head says you know you need a salad but come on you're so hungry, you haven't eaten all day, you gotta live a little. Or I know I shouldn't drink but I had such a bad day at work. Same with working out while I'm traveling it never fucking happens. Why the fuck not? I have always felt like shit after these moments and it makes so much sense to me. Bad reactions to shit situations bring your face right down into the shit. Being proactive though rises you above the shit and when with each good decision you build momentum. Unfortunately with good decisions, we face more resistance than we face with bad decisions. What I've learned from all this is that I need a better work-life balance and that I cannot let unfavorable situations destroy the proactivity in my life. The way I’m taking action on this is by making a list in my journal every day of everything I eat, any exercise I do daily, and other good and or bad decisions I have made throughout the day. The intent is to become conscious of my actions and their triggers in hopes of recognizing those causes so that I can prevent undesired actions.
Why not make good decisions today? What will you gain from this decision? What will you ultimately lose from the bad choices?
I’m on a plane to London. Virgin Atlantic and I’m ecstatic. It’s turbulent as hell but after talking to Chris Catania today who works at Pratt and Whitney he has assured me that no plane has ever crashed due to turbulence only malfunction. I’m blown away by the service of this plane as well as the airport. Upon arrival, I had a smooth drop off and the dog in the TSA line had to sniff me twice because of an Asian woman about my age pet the dog so he didn’t get a chance to sniff me. I farted in his face for sniffing me twice. I boarded very quickly and once on the plane I sat alone in my row of seats. Seat 68c. An elderly couple approached a bit later. The wife in the couple aggressively smashed aside all other bags in the above storage compartment and under her breath murmured some bullshit. From here the plane took off reached altitude and that women were sitting just to my left in the middle of three seats. Once she had her seat she was kind and courteous...so I thought. The young man in front of her leaned his seat back a little and she was again outraged. She immediately exclaimed “How will I eat? How will I put down my tray with this man in my lap?” and she began pushing his headrest for the better of a half of an hour. Finally, the young man said please stop pushing my seat or I will get the flight attendant. At this point, it seemed that nothing could make this woman happy yet here I am a pig in shit sipping on my free ginger ale 30,000 thousand feet in the air watching a documentary on children who survived the holocaust. I am elated and better yet entertained by how miserable the women on my left is. In the next ten minutes we got our food and little did I know I was in for the biggest surprise yet. We hit turbulence, chu my cheese bounce house-sized turbulence mid-dinner. It was making my neck shvitz. The pilot asked the cabin crew to take their seats multiple times and who in this entire plane is the only one amused by this......it was the old British she-devil herself on the left of me. She was cackling and ended up dropping her glass of wine. It was hilarious I damn near couldn’t breathe out of pure enjoyment. Who knew someone so angry at the world could get so happy over a bumpy ride. Now back to my holocaust movie there was a woman taken from Germany on a train to England to stay in a refugee camp for children. Her parents had to stay in Germany and of all the children playing and having fun at this camp she couldn’t shake the pain of missing her parents. So this badass little 10-year-old girl decided that she would knock doors like a fucking dish network salesman and ask for people to sponsor her parents so they could come to England and leave Germany. It really puts success and goals and life and love into perspective hearing that. Imagine trying to save your parents from certain death. I’m sure there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do to save them. Now imagine applying that to your life today. How fucking bad do you want to make your dreams come true? I can assure you and myself it is nowhere near as bad as that little girl trying to save her parents from a concentration camp. Fucking aye this documentary has tugged at my heart and put so much into perspective. Now I’m off to start a new job in fucking England and I feel great just to be breathing.
Today is jam-packed.
I started this morning off at Renzo Gracie Academy on the west side of midtown to film some MMA (mixed martial arts) sparring. Now I’m on lunch and then off to my second photoshoot for the day.
I’ve been having some really profound realizations in my life lately because things have been really difficult.
I’ve been waiting to start a new job for over a month and change now. I was supposed to start on the second of January so I let a bunch of my assisting jobs go and then this job got delayed which killed me money wise.
What it did do though was give me more time to focus on my own work.
I had a good 2 weeks where I was miserable waiting and then I realized “Fuck that I don’t wait for anyone.” and I started making things and this sent my spirits through the roof.
I also realized…and this one’s embarrassing, that bad choices only make bad situations worse.
I know I know this is obvious but in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to get sucked into feeling angry especially when you have good intentions and have been working hard for years to grow consistently in your craft. It gets very frustrating to still be struggling but this has made my stomach practically made of steel when it comes to uncertainty. With all this struggle there are good characteristics being forged daily and the same diligence I have put into working on my craft is now being put into my character.
Now I am aware more than ever that you have to put your own oxygen mask first.
This isn’t a real vlog i’m just practicing for the next 5 days and having a lot of fun getting it done.
Over the past year and a half I’ve had more ups and downs then I can’t count. I would say mainly downs but that is such a false perception of all that I have accomplished. I’ve been trying to find a way to navigate the lows so that I am not absolutely crushed every time a deal falls through or when that paycheck I was counting on from the photographer I was assisting comes 5 months late. Finally, I am understanding that the thoughts that flood to your head when something goes wrong do not mean that you are in the belly of the freelance roller coaster. It does not mean that you suck. Your brain when you’re doing goodwill lie straight to your face and tell you that your shit doesn’t stink and when you aren’t doing so great it will tell you that you are worthless. The key for me has been learning to separate my being from my thoughts and it has allowed me to take more action in my life. It hasn’t easy because I have always created out of self-deprecation. Whenever I would look at my work and hate it I would be fueled to make more work and to get it right. Now my goals are to do that in a healthy way by trying new things in my practice and if they don’t come out right I am not going to belittle myself into correcting them I am going to treat myself by doing it again. It really is a privilege to be able to shoot for a living and although it’s been a tough road I know with discipline it gets better.
It’s really easy to forget how far you’ve come when things get difficult.
I hopped on to facebook today and saw a memory from 7 years ago which was the week I purchased my first camera. I didn’t know how to use it, didn’t know how to edit the images, but those first 6 months it never left my side.
Flash forward 6 years and I’m stunned I had the audacity to continue shooting looking back at these images but I don’t think the quality of these images matters.
What matters are the memories and that I started.
Often starting is the biggest barrier to entry.
We build up how difficult something is going to be and we let it stop us from ever trying.
Fuck that.
There is nothing more beautiful than being a beginner and looking back at this time I’m envious of the novice that first picked up that camera.
I became obsessed with the dance of photographing people.
That process is what led to my diligence and longing to take pictures every day.
Time is unbelievably kind to someone who persists in something consistently.
If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would get into photography as a career I would have laughed at you.
I always thought I’d be in marketing wearing a suit every day but once I picked up my camera I quickly drifted from the classroom and fell in love with the speed in which I could learn new things on my own.
Whatever you love, do it consistently and over time you will grow massively.
Time has been good to us here.
I’ll miss this place.
You can use your right brain to make a life or you can use your left to follow someone else’s.
A big goal of mine each day is to find my center. To make decisions based on principles I hold close to my heart rather than by the approval of my friends, family, career, or social status. I am experimenting now and in the process learning more than ever. This new process is bringing excitement back into my life rather than relying on external forms of fun like travel, or partying. Looking back a lot of those blanket fixes to boredom were just waisted time. I don’t want to go through life without being the best version of myself so this year I’m getting back to what makes me happiest, creating from a place of intention.
Whatever you do make sure you’re excited to tackle it today and tomorrow and the next day.
There’s no regret quite like wasted time.
I watched a lady, newly blind learn to walk yesterday. In my misery, I felt my heartbreak and then I imagined her feelings. She was young, guided by an educator and a white stick with the red end to it. The beauty at that moment was palpable like a heartbeat. She was still alive and learning to get outside on her own again. That big of a learning curve although tragic to an optimist must be exciting and for a second I realized just how lucky I am to be of sound body and mind. How did I get so lucky?
I did a lot of writing in my journal tonight and after some reading I figured I’d share something I read for once.
“Imagine you are walking through the woods and you see a small dog. It looks cute and friendly. You approach and move to pet the dog. Suddenly it snarls and tries to bite you. The dog no longer seems cute and you feel fear and possibly anger. Then, as the wind blows, the leaves on the ground are carried away and you see the dog has one of its legs caught in a trap. Now, you feel compassion for the dog. You know it became aggressive because it is in pain and is suffering.
What can we learn from this story? How can we become less judgmental? “
There are days when you taste the wine and bitch about it.
Then there are days when you taste the wine and dance about it.
I lost sight yesterday.
I focused so hard on the end result and lost sight of the meaning of my hands.
I love to make.
That's what separates me from the monotony or making.
It's that freedom and obsessiveness that allows me to grow.
No money, no women, no house of stone could motivate me to create more than my love for the practice of what I do.
Although there are external factors that I must provide to survive, when I focus too hard on those I lose them.
Like when you pick a rose, it dies.
Whatever that process is for you I hope you do it to your heart’s content without someone else’s structure.
Most of us figure it out early.
It ain't about what you make it's about how much money you make for someone else.
In any work, a selfish intention is a dead end and here I am viewing and walking like I've got fucking time to spare or money in my pocket.
The truth is I don't and the little wants I have are faltered by the debt in my name.
I guess it can be traced to the lack of strength in my word.
It's hard to surf when the wave you're making is too weak to push the board.
Back at the beginning of October, I took a look at myself in the mirror and I looked like 10 pounds of shit in a 5-pound bag. I had been eating unhealthy and drinking after long days of work. I finally said to myself that this shit had to stop so I started running again.
It kicked my ass at first and it still does but the important thing was that I committed to exercising 5 days a week no ifs ands or buts. Even If I was tired I told myself to do it anyways.
I keep the exercises and runs short (under an hour other than on weekends) and as the first month has gone on covering more distance in the same amount of time has gotten easier.
Outside of exercise, it has helped me stay focused and proactive.
This is the start of the private victories I have set up for myself and if you’re struggling with your happiness and productivity set up a simple daily challenge for yourself.
Don’t put an end date on it.
Just set it to make it small and doable and build on it over time.
Back in July I thought I might get back into blogging…clearly I was wrong.
I’m still looking for my next 365 challenge to share something with you guys but over the past few months I’ve been focusing on photography and redirecting my life.
For a while (this past year) I’ve been off track in some areas of my life.
Yeah I have been working and pushing myself but I forgot one major responsibility for my own well being.
Always keep the promises you make to yourself.
Every promise you don’t keep to yourself is embedding a layer of distrust to psyche.
The difference is the voice in your head that either says “you can’t do it you’re no good” and “get the fuck out of my way I’m making this happen”.
What is one promise you can keep to yourself at least 5 days a week?
Think about how simple that can be. Whether it’s reading 20 minutes a day or running 5 days a week. Can you imagine keeping that promise for a year? What would your life look like if you were 10 pounds lighter, healthier, 10 books richer, or took up a new hobby like painting?
I’m really still figuring out my life and it’s a daily battle but what I have learned in the last few months is that private victories are often the most important.
What good habits are you forming?
What promises are you keeping to yourself when no one is looking?
Hope this helps somebody like it helped me.
-With love,
Atticus
Here is how I remove things from my images.
