I don’t know if I’ve ever felt true hate but I know I’ve felt true love.
It doesn’t leave much room for other feelings.
I first understood these conflicting feelings when I was a young boy.
I’d spend hours thinking about my father’s killer and how I’d wish that moment didn’t happen.
Very quickly I realized I would drive myself insane wishing for my dad to come back to life because things don’t work that way and thankfully these mental bouts opened me up to a lot of love (Followed by my mom’s amazing breakfast feasts every weekend.)
As I’m nearing 30 I look back on my life and I can see how cyclical things are.
For the first time in a while, I’m experiencing hate again in some form or another, maybe it’s jealousy or maybe I’m annoying who knows but the bottom line is I have some people in my life that don’t like me and they have made it a point to make that evident.
What hurts the most is that I care for these people and I think we can all relate to that feeling but the bottom line is people like this are toxic.
The best way I can put it is shown in a study done by Yale.
They asked a graduating class in a survey if they would rather take a job after graduation where everyone in their graduating class makes $400,000 per year or they make take a job paying $300,000 and the rest of their graduating class makes $100,000.
Over 90% of the students chose the latter which blew my mind because even if I don’t like you I still hope that you achieve all that you want to in life even if that means you’re doing better than me.
Even now it is still astounding to me how jealous people can be and thankfully I attribute the overwhelming love my mother gave me to my sense of security.
As disheartened as I am to have to deal with 2 people that are really pestering me I am really grateful that I don’t feel the need to hurt people because of my insecurities.
The reason I’m writing about this here is to remind myself to kill people with kindness which is something I wouldn’t have done as a child.
I was once extremely reactive and I’m sure I can still be at times but I’m trying to remind myself that life is a marathon.
By killing these people with kindness now I see no improvement, for lack of better words I’m still getting shit on but in the future, I hope the kindness will float to the top.
